What's your favourite piece of technology?
A tiny silver Sony Vaio TR1MP laptop. I misread its name at first: I went into the store and asked, "Do you have a trimp?" The sales assistant replied imperiously, "Does Madam mean the TR1MP?" They've never brought out the TR4MP, so I guess they didn't want people asking for tramps.
How has it improved your life?
Improved it? It's saved it! As Gore Vidal once declared, "Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies." He should have added, "Whenever a friend gets a Sony Vaio TR1MP, the rest of me dies too."
When was the last time you used it, and what for?
I use it so much for writing, I should probably be sectioned. All the letters have been cruelly rubbed off the keys, which are now naked and ashamed.
What additional features would you add if you could?
Giant hairy man-arms to hold me tight on lonely nights. Not too tight, mind. Not like a python or anything.
Do you think it will be obsolete in 10 years' time?
No. It will live forever and learn how to fly.
What one tip would you give to non-Vaio users?
Vaio vaio vy don't they have one?
Do you consider yourself to be a luddite or a nerd?
I'm so nerdy, I make Stephen Hawking look like Snoop Dogg.
What's the most expensive piece of technology you've ever owned?
Come round and burgle me! Come on. No, really, I'll leave the door open and everything. I have a very large hammer, but don't let that put you off.
Mac or PC?
That's more flammable than "Israel or Palestine?" Let's stir it up even more: they're both lamer than a one-legged goat with syphilis. Bring back the BBC Acorn!
What song is at the top of your iPod's top 25 most played?
I can't tell you, or you won't like me any more.
Will robots rule the world?
Of course. Look at Abu Hamza: he's already started replacing bits of his body with metal. Gordon Brown has a glass eye, and George Bush had a wire. It's only a matter of time.
What piece of technology would you most like to own?
The Sony Vaio VGN-CR31Z/N. The website describes it as "Gorgeous, Rich, Premium", which all sounds impossibly decadent to someone sitting here in stained pyjamas eating peanut butter out of a jar with their finger. Maybe I should ask for the tramp after all.
Ariane Sherine is a funny word entertainer. She's written for TV shows including My Family, Countdown and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
