First, be a girl, and you're 80% there. Next, have amazing hair. Hair that is Kate Bush referencing in its tangled, tumultuous, untamed wildness; a sort of follicular statement against everything that is groomed and straightened and Waggish/X Factor-y in aesthetic. Or hair that is so androgynous, angular and splendidly ginger it could be extremely modern furniture. Next, dress crazy. Wear spangles on your eyelashes and tight-fitting lamé on your legs, fashion a gilet from peacock feathers, and never leave the house without a gold-plaited headband. Do that - or be the poster girl for the 80s revival: embrace an aesthetic that is half Fish from Marillion, half Pepsi and Shirlie from Wham!. (If anyone tells you that the clothes are undermining your artistic integrity, tell them to piss off. You are the post post-feminist female - you can do what you like.) Fourth: do not smile. Be either vague and wistful, or rock hard and sneering at all times. Finally, if your mother happens to be Sergeant June Ackland of The Bill fame - like La Roux's is - never talk about it. Ever.