Madonna pretty much invented contemporary pop fame so there is a little bit of her in the DNA of every modern pop thing. That said, there is a rather big bit of her in recent works by Lady Gaga (whose new single references Express Yourself), Beth Ditto (with a video homaging Justify My Love), and Rihanna (for general LaChapelle-inspired sex nonsense). Here's who should be next to cause a comparison …
Kate Bush does … Confessions On A Dance Floor
Last weekend, Kate Bush became a trending topic on Twitter after sending a banana to a member of The Mighty Boosh. How better to harness this power than with a pink leotard, a ghettoblaster and an Abba sample so immense that it could shift tectonic plates? Failing that, Bush could consider tackling the video for Music, swapping out Ali G for 2011's non-amusing comedy character of choice, Keith Lemon. An appearance from Lemon would guarantee Kate Bush some rotation on ITV2, and Fearne Cotton would no doubt find it hilarious so might talk about it on her brilliant radio show.
U2 do … Hard Candy
U2's next album already includes work with RedOne, Will.i.am and David Guetta so that's the sightly desperate career-in-crisis trendchasing aspect taken care of. All that remains is for Bono to don some boxing attire and spread his legs. The bonus here would be that the terrified shrieks sure to be prompted by manly Bono's "come and get it and when I say 'it' I mean my genitalia" pose will establish that the horrified reaction to Madonna's original effort was not, for once, the work of a rampantly misogynistic media but simply proof that if you dress up like a quinquagenarian dog's dinner, people will guffaw in your direction. First single to feature The Edge grinding with Justin Timberlake.
Katy Perry does … Ray Of Light
It seems ghoulish and invasive to speculate on the longevity of Katy Perry's marriage to Russell Brand. This said, let's pencil in Perro's earth-mother reinvention for the fourth quarter of 2012.
Jedward do … Sex
The foundations have already been laid, as thanks to one of those inevitable "let's take a picture of a pop act in a grown-up sort of way" brainwaves, Jedward have already done some "arty" (translation: black and white, shirtless, smile-free, terminally unarousing) shots. Even more importantly, they've also already done something disgraceful with Vanilla Ice.
Ke$ha does … Falling Off A Horse
This is the perfect mix of Ke$ha's "I'm drunk LOL" schtick with one of Madonna's finest moments: when, at the height of her legendary Blimey Guv'nor reinvention, she took a tumble and went into the hooves. Ke$ha's new video already features a unicorn, so that's the equine link established, and the horn could come in useful for an In Bed With Madonna Evian bottle moment. And if that happens, perhaps Camille Paglia could even be on hand to combine her three favourite topics – Madonna, phalluses and misunderstanding post-1992 pop behemoths – in a joke-free, 8,000,000-word boreathon.
Katie Price does … Evita
And as for fortune, and as for fame, she never invited them in, and if you say she did she'll demand a retraction.
