It is wrong to avoid paying your fair share of tax. But it is also forgivable, provided you say sorry properly, which means humbling yourself. Not all celebrities find humility easy, however, so we've had a spate of semi-apologies and non-apologies, which reached their peak in Gary Barlow's magnificent Twitter announcement on Tuesday.
Gary Barlow
"I want to apologise to anyone who was offended by the tax stories earlier this year. With a new team of accountants, we are working to settle things with all parties involved ASAP."
Weasel rating: 98% weasel.
Translation: a) It's possible that no one minded about me avoiding tax because, you know, it's complex morally.
b) I still need to be liked, though.
c) The stuff about me avoiding tax was just "stories".
d) Anyway, my old accountants were to blame.
e) Now I'm putting unspecified things right in unspecified ways over an unspecified period.
f) Note that I don't admit anything or promise to pay back any money.
g) I think you're stupid.
Jimmy Carr
"I met with a financial adviser and he said to me: 'Do you want to pay less tax? It's totally legal.' I said 'Yes'. I now realise I've made a terrible error of judgment … I'm no longer involved in [the tax avoidance scheme] and will in future conduct my financial affairs much more responsibly. Apologies to everyone. Jimmy Carr."
Weasel rating: 72% weasel.
Translation: I know it's wrong to avoid paying tax, but in my case it was a split-second decision taken in ignorance, so really this was just one momentary flash of mostly innocent wrongness. Not that I'm going to say "wrong". I'm not even going to say "mistake". I'm going to say "error of judgment". Anyway, won't do it again. Won't say "I'm sorry" either.
Anne Robinson
(to the Times, which broke the story) "I have no interest in discussing my private financial affairs with anyone from News International."
Weasel rating: 42% weasel, 51% swine.
Translation: It's none of your business whether I'm sorry or not. Which means I'm not. But while we're here, what's your company's moral record like?
Katie Melua
"When I was in my early 20s I trusted financial experts and advisers to guide me with how I invested money. That I was fairly clueless and inexperienced when it came to finance goes without saying … HMRC did later query it, and I paid the full amount of tax years ago … Yeah it sucks getting this type of attention … Laws should be changed to disallow schemes like this, so that they would never be presented by legitimate tax experts to less experienced people like myself."
Weasel rating: 33% weasel, 33% swine, 33% puppy.
Translation: Oh, but I was young and naive. Besides, I've paid all the money back. Wait a minute, I'm the victim here.
Arctic Monkey's Alex Turner
"…"
Weasel rating: 100%.
Translation: Ignore it. It'll all blow over.
