What an exciting life will.i.am must lead. To play so fast and so loose with the artistic and geometric possibilities of one’s own hairstyle. To rub shoulders with the likes of Tom Jones and whichever singers agree to come back for the next series of The Voice. To travel the world with musical delights, knowing that where once there was harmony, now there is discord. To know that nobody can even complain about you on social media without your name turning into a hyperlink to your own website. Most of all, to spend your life ricocheting from one lucrative corporate sponsorship deal to the next, each more overblown than the last, knowing that standard accusations of selling out simply cannot apply to a man whose personal brand is that of a cross-platform visionary for hire.
But despite being a “multifaceted entertainer and creative innovator” according to no less impartial a source than will.i.am (the website), will.i.am (the person) must face doubts. In his darkest hours, he must surely look in the mirror and say: “Nice triangular haircut, but how can I make my next move more absurd than its predecessor? And when will someone realise it’s all nonsense?”
Happily, this week’s developments suggest that the answers to those questions are: “with nimble ease”, and “not yet”. Even by will’s standards this week has been a busy one, having seen him launch his own range of eyewear – that’s spectacles, to you – and release new information about his deal with Lexus. One does pause to wonder how will manages to devote so much time to so many ancillary endeavours and still make great music, although Lost in Showbiz does concede that, in this case, a clue to the answer may well lie in the question.
First, the spectacles. They’re called ill.i, presumably because they will make your eyes look ill, in keeping with the “early hip-hop and progressive influences” will has deployed. The range comprises nine types of sunglasses and nine regular frames. Only one of those designs is not an utter catastrophe, which leaves a total of 17 different ways to look absurd unless you happen to be will.i.am, and even will’s only hope will be that the rest of his “ensemble” is sufficiently ludicrous as to make his deranged goggles seem relatively conservative.
Leaving aside the heightened risk of assault, those sporting the creations of pop’s foremost self-proclaimed “eyewear connoisseur” will come to no real harm.
More concerning is will’s deal with Lexus, which culminates next week with the grand unveiling of a car will.i.am has designed himself. Sadly, Lost in Showbiz’s invitation to the launch has yet to materialise, but you would expect it to be a glitzy affair, even if it is hard not to picture scenes echoing Homer Simpson’s own doomed attempt at creating an automobile. One merely hopes that Lexus has not given will full creative control of its car’s braking system: if the care and attention he threw at his executive producer role on the last Britney Spears album is any indication of his commitment to detail, Lost in Showbiz fears that we all may ultimately look back on next week’s high-spirited car launch in the same way we now look back on that time the Titanic cheerily set sail from Southampton.
Either way, never one to shy away from the chance to fill the internet with extraneous #content, will has taken part in a promotional video that offers a glimpse into what it is really like to shoot a commercial for a car (answer: boring), and in that video he notes how excited he is to be partnering with Lexus on this project.
It is curious, is it not, how excitable celebrities seem to become when they are presented with an opportunity to rake in vast sums of cash, often in exchange for little or no work. “So excited to be heading to the launch of some new energy drink or other,” they will tweet. “So excited to announce my new range of A4 photocopier paper, available exclusively at Rymans”, “So excited to be en route to something else where I will be paid to stand around for 25 minutes.” Swapping “excited” for “lucrative” makes sense of most such mini-missives, though just this week actor Michelle Keegan upped the stakes somewhat, explaining that her new capsule collection for Lipsy was not just an exciting development but “a dream come true”. What a dream that must have been, even if one about designing for Chanel might have been marginally more fulfilling.
With many celebrities, it is hardly fair to quibble with the notion that the delivery of a huge sack of banknotes must feel rather invigorating, and it is true that the opportunity to quell unforeseen tensions with Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs is, in its own way, an exciting prospect. But Lost in Showbiz does wonder if next week, as he merrily strolls out of a collapsing, fire-ravaged auditorium, the screams of Lexus executives ringing in his ears as little more than potential samples on a forthcoming Chris Brown single, will.i.am will cross off “spectacles” and “cars” on his list of brand partnerships, notice that ideas for hamster cages and novelty wigs are due in by the end of October, and wonder how genuinely exciting his future as a multifaceted entertainer and creative innovator might actually be.
