I’ve been looking for ages for something good to sign off with, and there isn’t anything. Seriously, all I can find is a new song by Coldplay. It’s bleak. But I have to sign off with something. So how about we make a game of it and you submit some 3-word reviews of the song on Twitter. Go on, it’ll be a laugh.

My review is: ‘guff tycoon’s revenge’. Let us know yours.

Night all.

Righto. Here’s Good Together, the new one from electropop R&B Wolverhampton-erer Tom Aspaul, taken from his upcoming Revelation Mixtape. Smooth without being overproduced, melodic without being too cheesy, it’s not bad this, like sipping Strongbow alone in the corner of a neon-lit nightclub in which all your mates have pulled, only you’re ok with it because you really like Strongbow.

Next is Nicki Minaj The Crying Game Feat Jessie J. Some slick, sparse production (the reverb switch for the percussion was probably turner so far to the right snapped off) disguises what is ostensibly a fairly run-of-the-mill minor-key pop tune. But Nicki’s verse gives the whole thing a vibrant edge it probably hasn’t earned, and the chugging guitars give it the kick of oomph it desperately needs.

Hudson Mohawke’s also been sticking his mucky little fingers into Four Tet’s Parallel Jalebi, the wound-in, clinical control of the original now opened out into vast, fizzing landscapes of terse synths and sirens’ wailing. It’s better than that frankly rubbish description makes it sound though.

Last up, taken from his Gliss Riffer album (due for release in February) is Dan Deacon’s Feel The Lightning. The video asks an important question: what do your chairs do when you go out? According to this, mess with your possessions and lots of vigorous bonking. This is great though, vaguely Flaming Lips-ey in its psych-kitchness, though underpinned by scratching bass that you’d expect to hear as the soundtrack to Ryan Gosling caving someone’s cranium in with his show. Plus Dan says “Johnny Depp” at some point, though the context is lost on me.

Our mates at Guardian US liveblogged the whole shebang, and our film section have covered it extensively, but the gist is that it was Michael Keaton-starring dramedy Birdman that came out as the front runner with a whopping 7 nominations, including Best Motion Picture: Comedy, Best Director (for Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu), and Best Actor: Musical or Comedy in recognition of the sterling work of the once-Batman.

Hot on its heels with 5 nods is Richard Linklater’s decade-and-a-bit-spanning epic Boyhood, including nominations for Best Motion Picture: Drama and Best Director. Not many people will argue with those.

And also with 5 nominations, including Best Motion Picture: Drama and Best Actor: Drama for Bengledirt Crumblewitch, is The Imitation Game.

Rounding off the high achievers with 4 nominations apiece are David Fincher’s Gone Girl, Civil Rights Movement drama Selma, biopic The Theory Of Everything starring Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking, and Wes Anderson’s Grand Budapest Hotel, which I hope picks up something because it’s great and features some of the finest posh swearing I’ve ever heard.

Like everyone else at this time of year, BBC 1Xtra grime and hip-hop dude Charlie Sloth has been compiling a Best [insert type of thing] of 2014 list. The difference here is that, instead of an exhausting list made of words that you have to look at with your eyes, this is a list for your ears, made up of sounds all mixed together, in the form of music. It’s revolutionary.

Here’s a sampler of Hood Heat Vol 1, Charlie’s compilation of the finest urban, grime and hip-hop tunage of 2014.

Charlie’s also unveiled his Top 5 grime artists to watch out for next year:

Stormzy

Charlie says: “Brings a fresh vibe to the scene a very exciting talent who gets the ‘game’ this kid is gonna cause waves!! His flow is very unique and cuts through any record.”

Potter Payper

Charlie says: “He falls more under the category of rap but this kid does both and has got one of the biggest street buzzes I’ve seen for a while, he is a beast. From delivery to concepts and bars this kid has got it all and is one to watch going toward.”

Eyez

Charlie says: “It’s always harder for an MC outside of the m25 to grab the attention of the industry (even though that’s slowly changing) but Eyez is managing to do that. With his thoughtful writing style and intricate flows 2015 looks promising for this young MC.”

Novelist

Charlie says: “Only 17 and ready for war! Novelists aggressive flow and cutting lyrics that also make you think make him stand out as someone to watch moving into 2015.”

Central C

Charlie says: “16 and with one freestyle has grabbed the attention of his peers!! I’m tipping this kid to have a huge 2015. His style is very fun and carefree.”

There’s a fair chance you’ll find yourself enveloped in an awkward family conversation this Christmas. A polite question can innocently lead to you accidentally letting slip that you’re living over the brush with someone you met at a bus stop, or that you’ve been sort of drunk every day for six weeks, or you’ve given up on home cleanliness and decided it’s just easier if you name your flat’s senior mouse Adam Sasquatch. You parents will worry. They’ll round on you. You need a way out of these situations.

Funny Or Die have an answer. It might not be the answer, but it’s one more answer than having no answer at all. That’s just maths.

No going to win headline of the year that one, but let’s soldier on eh.

Numerous psych-rock Aussies King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard are great. Anyone who doesn’t think so is a certifiable buffoon. They’re also ridiculously prolific: with songwriters coming out of their lugholes they’ve released four albums in just over two years, which is a post-1965 Beatles rate of recording knots. Here’s a recently unveiled live version of HeadOn/Pill, from last year’s Float Along – Fill Your Lungs album, and, oh yeah, it’s just shy of 20 glorious minutes long. Enjoy.

Then there’s pottymouthed quadragenarian mardy bum Eminem, who celebrated 15 years of Shady Records with ShadyXV, a compilation containing – among tunes by label mainstays like D12 and 50 Cent – the track Detroit vs Everybody, featuring pretty much every person Marshall Mathers has ever met. Now the label’s dropped a 16-minute version of the track, which features pretty much every person in the entire world. Trick Trick, Guilty Simpson, Dej Loaf, Sino, Marv Won, Payroll, Hydro, Big Gov, Boldy James, Big Sean, Kid Vishis, Dej Loaf, Black Milk, Big Herk, Icewear Vezzo, Detroit Che, Calicoe and Diezel, Royce Da 5’9″ and Danny Brown. “Try a verse everybody” goes the refrain, and everybody appears to have done just that. Mine’s around the 14’11” mark.

By jove there’s a lot activity in La-La Land today. Well, by La-La Land I mean on the internet. And by activity, I mean trailers and clips. And by ‘a lot’ I mean four. Let’s start with:

The new trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road. Explodey.

Tom Hardy steps into Mel Gibson’s sand-weathered boots as the titular batty Maxwell in this sequel-cum-remake, due in summer next year. It’s directed by George Miller, who was responsible for the sensationally violent original trilogy (and, brilliantly, Happy Feet), and this looks, frankly, amazing, still heavily reliant on crunchy practical effects and thick Aussie accents.

Excitement rating: 5 cobbers out of 5

A trailer for Pixar’s Inside Out. Family-ey.

Shall we just give it some awards now? It’s going to be great isn’t it? As a stamp of guaranteed quality the Pixar name is second only to The Guide Daily (ahem), and the idea behind it – that every decision we make it decided by committee in our brains – is a solid, if biologically dubious, one, allowing us insight into the internal though processes of the characters. Basically it’s like Peep Show, only without someone trying to skin up with their toes.

Excitement rating: 5 wildly expensive family trips to the pictures out of 5

Hot Tub Time Machine 2 trailer. Sweary.

The first HTTM (if you think I’m typing it out fully every time you’re daft) blew everyone’s minds by actually being pretty funny. If you find jokes about sexual organs funny. Which I do. Unsurprisingly, perennial grump fountain John Cusack hasn’t signed on for this future-set sequel, but it seems to be filling the hole he left behind with jokes about sexual organs. Which looks like it might just work.

Excitement rating: 3 serviceable dick jokes out of 5

A rubbish clip from Taken 3. Talky.

Taken 2 is to Taken 1 what a handful of dog excrement is to a pulled pork burger, so, following that trend, Taken 3 will be about as much fun to watch as a video compilation of your entire life’s most awkward romantic rejections. This clip doesn’t to much to dispel this worry either – yes, Forest Whitaker’s in it, but Forest Whitaker was also in Species. Like Taken 2, this one’s also rated PG-13, meaning it’s be about as violent as Mr Tumble corporate appearance. Stop it, Liam. You’ve got enough money.

Excitement rating: 1 contractual obligation out of 5

Let’s begin.

When you think about sexytimes, the last music genre you probably think about in association with it is barbershop. Crap hats. Dumpy blokes. Unnervingly close harmonies. But Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye is one of the most sexytime songs ever. So what happens if you combine the two, and chuck in Steve Carell too? Well, this happens:

Still not sexy at all is it. Barbershop is officially beyond help. As you were.