With less than a month to go until its release, a few scant details are starting to trickle through about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. The trailer taught us that Jamie Dornan will spend most of the film staring blankly through panes of glass. The MPAA taught us that the film will contain some “unusual behaviour”. But there’s still so much left that we don’t know.

For example, how graphic will its sex scenes be? How slight will Rita Ora’s role be? Will it be as wildly popular as the books? How many times during the film will Dakota Johnson say “Holy crap”? Ten? Twenty? More than that? We just don’t know.

Thankfully, Republic Records has just leapt to our rescue, revealing the tracklist to the official Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack. Each song on the soundtrack is its own little clue about the film. Hopefully, by putting them together, we’ll be able to unlock the mystery of Fifty Shades of Grey. Let’s delve inside …

1. I Put a Spell on You – Annie Lennox

A good start. If Demi Moore’s 1996 erotic comedy Striptease demonstrated anything – apart from the fact that a Demi Moore erotic comedy couldn’t be any less sexy if it starred 400 crying babies in an abattoir – it’s that Annie Lennox is the go-to artist when it comes to soundtracking nudity.

2. Undiscovered – Laura Welsh

The sort of thing you’d hear in scenes set in swingers clubs in straight-to-DVD softcore thrillers from the mid-90s. But why Undiscovered? Could it be alluding to Anastasia Steele’s undiscovered perversions? Or could it be alluding to the state of all the unsold Fifty Shades of Grey DVDs in bargain bins across the country six months from now?

3. Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey) – The Weeknd

The first line goes: “You make it look like it’s magic / Cause I see nobody, nobody but you”. This almost definitely means that Paul Daniels is going to pop up at some point, possibly dressed as an elf in a sex dungeon somewhere.

4. Meet Me in the Middle – Jessie Ware

So far, I’m starting to think that the entire Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to be set in a branch of Foxtons.

5. Love Me Like You Do – Ellie Goulding

Ellie Goulding is most famous for informing you of distances on the Nike running app. Perhaps she’ll do the same here. “You lasted one hour and 13 minutes before nipping off to the toilet to Google the term ‘spreader bar’.”

6. Haunted (Michael Diamond remix) – Beyoncé

Originally slated for the forthcoming sequel 50 Shades 2: The Legend of the Ghost-Dildo.

7. Salted Wound – Sia

Included because wounds are very sexy and BDSM-y. And also because salt is a vital component of wintertime road safety. Christian Grey might like tying girls up, but he’s nothing if not a responsible driver.

8. Beast of Burden – The Rolling Stones

From the scene where Anastasia Steele’s parents get drunk and pretend that they’re still teenagers and everyone just stands around looking embarrassed.

9. I’m on Fire – AWOLNATION

“Hey little girl, is your daddy home?” it goes, presumably because there isn’t already enough in this film to make audiences pull a face like they’ve just sniffed a tray of putrid meat.

10. Crazy in Love (2014 Remix) – Beyoncé

The song from all the trailers. It’s basically a glimpse into a horrible alternate universe where Beyoncé got famous by singing songs on adverts for manky aftershaves called things like Tusk.

11. Witchcraft – Frank Sinatra

From the scene where Anastasia Steele’s grandparents get drunk and pretend that they’re still teenagers and everyone just stands around looking embarrassed.

12. One Last Night – Vaults

The big mystery. No videos exist of this song on YouTube, nor are any lyrics available online. I think this means it’s essentially just Yakety Sax.

13. Where You Belong – The Weeknd

Where it belongs is, of course, on Movies 24 at about 2am on a Tuesday after a broadcast of Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

14. I Know You – Skylar Grey

Sounds even more like the sort of thing you’d hear in scenes set in swingers clubs in straight-to-DVD softcore thrillers from the mid-nineties. Is Fifty Shades of Grey supposed to be set in the 1990s? Genuine question.

15. Ana and Christian – Danny Elfman

And finally, two tracks by composer Danny Elfman. Wouldn’t it be great if this was just a straight copy of his Willy Wonka song?

16. “Did That Hurt?” – Danny Elfman

You have no idea.