Quick – there’s not a lot of 2018 left, so it’s time to start thinking about next year’s calendar. The Cliff Richard Official Calendar, obviously, like every year since the beginning of time. No wonder he has already sold more than 1.5m of them.

And yet 2019’s offering is a bit, well, meh: Cliff holding a mic in front of a splodge of colours; Cliff playing the guitar in front of an only very slightly different splodge; another mic, guitar, splodge ...

Maybe he was so busy suing the BBC, he took his eye off the calendar. No animals to be seen, as in 2012, or even one with his top off, as in 2013 or 2015. Both of which you would get if you went for an alternative senior sex symbol’s official calendar next year. Actually, not so senior: at 65, he is 12 years younger than Cliff. Here are some of the best months from the Vladimir Putin Official Calendar 2019.

January

We’re not going on a Summer Holiday – they’re for wimps. Here, the Russian president takes an unflinching winter dip (pictured) in the icy waters of Lake Seliger. Not only younger than Cliff, but much, much harder. However, like Cliff, a man of God: this is during Epiphany – witness the onlooking religious dudes with big crosses. Plus Vladimir has two pairs of furry boots. Do not mess with this man. He doesn’t sue the state broadcaster – he runs it.

June

Aaaah! A Bulgarian shepherd dog, a gift from the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov, to thank Putin for building a dirty great gas pipeline across his country. For the Russian, it’s an opportunity to show a softer side. Hey, Cliff doesn’t have a monopoly on cuddly, you know. Look at the eyes, though – Vladimir’s are still steely (but quite sexy, no?). And the dog’s terrified. He knows one wrong move and he’s just another pair of furry boots.

July

And he can ride a bike, without stabilizers. A proper man’s one, too, a rugged mountain bike with knobbly tyres, even on the road. And no helmet, note – helmets are for wimps, like double-decker buses and summer holidays. Dark glasses, of course; you can take the man out of the KGB but ... etc.

Highlights from other months include: more fur (not dog, hopefully), horses, military, statesman, regular man, definitely man, all man. And one very clear message: Sir Cliff, step aside.

• This article was amended on 12 October 2018 to correct the title and surname of the Bulgarian prime minister, Boyko Borisov.