Kavi 

Kavi: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet)

The hyperpop musician shares the various phrases, minutiae and Twitter arguments tattooed on his brain. It’s delightfully stupid
  
  

‘I was in the womb messaging my group chat’: musician Kavi
‘I was in the womb messaging my group chat’: musician Kavi Photograph: Supplied

When my mum got an ultrasound, there was a 10-minute delay before my image appeared on the screen. This was because I was in the womb messaging my group chat asking whether I looked better with the Amaro or Valencia Instagram filter. A couple months later, as I was being wheeled out of the hospital after being born, I asked my parents to hotspot me because my Tumblr theme’s HTML code was broken; I had to quickly tweak it because Lorde had been reblogging some of my mutuals’ posts so there was a chance of her noticing me, but probably only if my animated sparkle cursor was functioning properly when she went on my page.

All this to say that I was raised by the world wide web. Beyond it being responsible for 97% of my vocabulary, the way I dress and my humour, the music that I make is heavily influenced by hyperpop – a sound forged in online communities.

1. The Ariana Grande stan who refused to be silenced

In her now-deleted tweets, Twitter user @thankunext327 – professionally known as Dorothy – embarked on a mission to keep her online presence alive after her mum confiscated her phone. Dorothy’s valiant efforts in accessing Twitter via every electronic device she had at her disposal – from an LG smart refrigerator to her Nintendo 3DS – will forever remain an iconic moment in Twitter history.

2. The nation of Floptropica

The first country to be born from the Internet, Floptropica is a multi-island nation invented by teenagers on a corner of TikTok known as #floptok. Floptropica is a beautiful testament to the power of the digital hivemind and it’s so ridiculously stupid. Claiming unwitting and oblivious real-life people as figureheads in Floptropican history, #floptok has seen rappers Nicki Minaj and CupcakKe lead a civil war. Its recent presidential elections pitted Deborah Williams (a funeral home director making TikTok vlogs) against Pooja Misra (an ex-Big Brother India contestant).

I’m excited to see this proud nation continue to flourish.

3. Terri Joe v Doja Cat

Terri Joe is the satirical alter ego of TikTok user @__itzpsyiconic__. Against a green-screen background of her living room in America’s Bible belt, Terri Joe selects random TikTokers to join her livestreams – before she berates them for not adhering to her values as a modest and proper Southern woman. As she’s grown her loyal fanbase, Terri Joe has gone live with musicians such as Madonna, Rico Nasty and Doja Cat – forming a friendship and meeting her match with Doja.

4. Right-hand arm man

From the scandal surrounding former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling emerged a gem of an interview between his personal assistant and mistress, V. Stiviano, and Barbara Walters. Incoherent yet iconic – and to the confusion of Walters – Stiviano crowns herself Sterling’s “right-hand arm man” and “silly rabbit”.

5. Tokyo Toni v speech-to-text

Once gracing our screens as a figure in the outer orbit of the Kardashian multiverse, Tokyo Toni – best known as mother to Blac Chyna, and grandmother to Dream Kardashian – now inhabits TikTok as one of its most iconic personalities. The speech-to-text feature was invented for Tokyo Toni – and whether she’s dictating to an iPad in her car, or to her phone in bed, I’m grateful that she documents her use of it via her TikToks.

6. What if it was you?

If you were a victim of Norway’s 2011 butter shortage, I empathise with you and I can’t begin to imagine the pain that you must have suffered through. But in my efforts to understand, over the years, I’ve returned multiple times to YouTuber TommyLife’s commentary.

7. Can you say magnetic?

POV: you’re on a Zoom meeting with me and I’m taking 17 minutes to get one singular point across. Tiffany Richardson has given us some of the most iconic moments of America’s Next Top Model history – one of them being her struggle in reading from a teleprompter. She’s so real for that.

8. This Grammy award for best rap performance

I’m violently excited for the forthcoming release of Nicki Minaj’s Pink Friday 2. But while I wait, this Grammy-deserving reading of Dr Seuss is more than enough to tide me over.

9. Well yes!

I am in awe of model Alex Consani’s ability to verbalise every thought that goes through her head. This TikTok of Alex backstage at the recent Victoria’s Secret show has been permanently tattooed on to my brain. All I’m gonna say is that it’s a Jersey remix summer.

10. Stan Twitter v the Kardashians

I used to watch the Kardashians religiously, but the reboot just doesn’t hit the same. It now feels too scripted, so instead I get my fix of braindead feuds from scrolling through Twitter arguments between various popstar stans. I hope one day Kris stumbles across this Kardashians edit made by an Ariana Grande stan because I think she’d see the dollar signs that I’m seeing.

 

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