Praise be – for it has happened. The streams have officially been crossed. Imagine my delight to type in two of Earth’s most lavishly provocative search terms – “Oasis reunion” and “William and Harry” – and find that a royal expert has already gone there. Thank you to a certain Riley Gardiner – billed by the Express as both “PR expert” and elsewhere as a “royal expert” – for very solemnly informing the public that the formerly feuding Gallagher brothers putting aside their differences could have knock-on implications for the still-feuding Windsor brothers.
“The [Gallagher] brothers actually repairing their relationship speaks to many,” Gardiner confides expertly, from his vantage point inside either a Montecito foxhole or the postbox outside Liam’s house. “High-profile families reconciling like this, especially as a band that will go on to tour and show off this reconciliation in front of millions, will strike a chord with fans – perhaps even prompting the royal brothers to reflect on their own ties.”
Perhaps even what, sorry? Listen, I’ve got a huge amount of time for that regal stretch of Fleet Street in which pretty much everything can be true, pretty much all of the time, and which draws more “experts” than the annual Dunning-Kruger symposium – or even those seeking to decode the hidden meanings of the Oasis reunion. Even by the standards of a press routinely affronted that people don’t take it seriously, royal coverage is surely the naughty corner. From professors emeritus of body language to extreme etiquette chancers, sections of the royal beat are the Top Gun of twaddle, the Miramar of making stuff up.
Anyway, like me, your next question was almost certainly: have we heard from an astrologer on the William-and-Harry-to-reform matter yet? The first newspaper horoscope published in the United Kingdom inevitably had a royal connection, being commissioned to mark the occasion of Princess Margaret’s birth in 1930. The astrologer in question predicted the princess would lead an “eventful” life – well done that man – while the Oasis reunion has prompted erstwhile Express astrologer Marjorie Orr to draw up extensive charts that yield such insights as: “The first concert starts with Mars midheaven on the focal point of a yod inconjunct Pluto sextile Saturn Neptune – which looks fantastically high energy, likely to spill over into aggravation; with another yod from an intense Scorpio moon sextile MC Mars inconjunct Saturn Neptune.” Yep, been saying it since the news broke. As Majorie concludes darkly: “Heaven help us if an Oasis reunion concert is a marker for Saturn Neptune.” Well quite. I think she might be making a point about Ticketmaster, but can’t be sure.
Over on the royal pages, the astral picture is similarly obscure. On Sunday I read a headline in the Mail that stated: “Duke of Sussex asks former aides to help plot RETURN from his US exile in first stage of ‘rehabilitation strategy’.” Yet intriguingly, today’s Mail picks up a Telegraph report and runs with the headline: “Prince Harry has ‘no interest’ in returning to Britain to resume royal duties”. Please don’t find yourself asking: “For God’s SAKE – which one is it, then?” This is the royal reporting genre. It can be both, everything, all at once! Even so, perhaps Marjorie Orr could elaborate on the House of Gallagher’s cosmic pull on the House of Windsor? (If you doubt her capacity to have a crack at absolutely anything, I’ve just read a few hundred of her words on the immediate implications of Hezbollah’s “birth chart”.)
For now, in the absence of professional yod interpretation, it falls to us lay icongazers to note similarities between two sets of warring brothers – both alike in dignity – who are nonetheless tied by their beloved mum, and whose wives (whether current or outgrown) were historically never each other’s biggest fans.
Even so, it must be acknowledged that in previous episodes of lunatic royal analogising, William and Kate and Meghan and Harry had been aligned not with Oasis but with the Beatles, routinely referred to as the “Fab Four”, very possibly after a “royal expert” claimed this was the internal classification for the “young royals” (all of whom were in their mid-30s at the time). Since the Montecito schism, alas, Harry has been more frequently compared to the Duke of Windsor (Edward VIII famously left to pursue musical differences with Yoko Ono. Or was it someone else? Doesn’t matter; I think the main thing is that both ladies had huge collections of fur coats.)
As far as brass tacks go, it’s hard to say if the HRH Broasis reunion would be as lucrative as the Gallaghers’ one. Short of input from a “royal finances expert” – probably Paul Burrell – we can only speculate on the potential windfall a fraternal healing would bring for the royal family’s always-speculative wealth. Then again, it would surely be worth a shot for some parties in the arrangement. Aspects of Liam’s post-Oasis work have had the flavour of gigs such as Harry’s role as “chief impact officer” at a Silicon Valley life-coaching firm. Well meant, no doubt, but fairly hard to listen to.
Almost a year out from the Oasis reunion, the stars suggest there is plenty more to run on this theme, as the elder statesfolk of the royal beat display their tenuous grasp of human nature by likening the princes to an international rock band. Picture the scene: at the precise moment the Gallaghers take to the stage for the opening night of the London leg, two “rock star” royals also emerge into one of the stadium’s luxury boxes to a rapturous stereo applause from their joint public. Come on – it’s written in the stars. Or at least, written in the newspapers.
Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist
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