MTV has sufficiently lowered our expectations to no longer expect an event that actually honors music videos from the MTV video music awards, but to expect cheap – yet entertaining – gimmicks.

During the 29th annual VMAs broadcast live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, even those were absent.

In the inaugural year of the VMAs, a 26-year-old Madonna made her now iconic performance of Like a Virgin while rolling around the stage in a wedding gown. Martha Stewart and Busta Rhymes presented the Spice Girls with best dance video award in 1997. Just last year, Beyonce announced she was pregnant.

In 2012, they made a couple jokes about recycling.

The show's host was the relatively unknown comedian and actor Kevin Hart, who came on stage backed by patriotic banners and armed with his own secret service – comprised of little people. Hart was alluding to another big event of the night: Barack Obama's speech at the Democratic national convention.

He delivered a mild monologue whose theme was forgiveness: forgiving new mom Snooki for being herself, forgiving Kristen Stewart for cheating on Robert Pattinson and forgiving Russell Brand for hosting the awards show twice.

Entertainment was kept to a minimum as the program seemed to secede to the popularity of the convention and not really try to entertain anyone except the millions of One Direction fans, who saw their band win three awards for What Makes You Beautiful.

The musical highlight of this not-very-musical event was Frank Ocean's performance of Thinkin Bout You, where his sincere crooning managed to detract from the temperature-defying set that seemed to resurrect Survivor's tribal council.

Ocean seemed prepared for a tame night, based on his tweet before the show:

The VMAs remind me of prom.

— frank ocean (@frank_ocean) September 6, 2012

One of the biggest surprises of the night was when Chris Brown won the best male video award for Turn Up The Music, defeating Drake, Frank Ocean, Justin Bieber and Usher – none of whom have been charged with a felony for assault. He was presented the award by up-and-comer Rita Ora, who was appropriately carrying a flame-thrower in her clutch.

But before people had a chance to be angered by his win, attention was directed to his strange bleached-blue hairstyle which seemed to be inspired by NBA-great Dennis Rodman and singer of the Thong Song, Sisqo. Both individuals who naturally experienced a quick resurgence of fame across social media Thursday night.

For a moment, the glint of video music awards shows of years past appeared when Drake was awarded the best hip-hop video right after Chris Brown's win. The two were involved in a nightclub brawl in New York earlier this year and it seemed the show would provide one its most common tropes – a "spontaneous" fight between attendees.

But fisticuffs were avoided and Drake was accompanied on stage by members of the Young Money hip-hop crew including Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne.

Perhaps inspired by Michael Phelps, Lil Wayne came on stage listening to headphones, presumably missing Drake's acceptance speech where he explained in an unfortunately drab way how he was mocked for his black and Jewish heritage as a kid. After watching his friend share these statements to a million person audience, Lil Wayne lifted up his shirt and yelled "bitch".

Though it was no meat dress, Lil Wayne continued to leave a unique stylistic imprint on the evening as he performed Yuck with rapper 2 Chainz (wearing more than two chains). Lil Wayne rapped while decked out in the finest stoner chic: shirtless, camo boxers, bright yellow board shorts, beanie and a Rasta wristband. The performance was almost entirely bleeped out and Lil Wayne skateboarded off stage.

For a brief, enjoyable minute, the show alluded to the only reason the network can defend its abandonment of music videos: YouTube. The host danced on stage with South Korean rapper Psy who recently gained some well-deserved viral success for his Gangnam Style video.

The only other highlight of the remarkably milquetoast evening was when comedian Rebel Wilson tried to decide which member of The Wanted to take home while eating potato chips and wearing this:

Winners' list

Best new artist
One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful

Most share-worthy video
One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful

Best pop video
One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful

Best hip-hop video
Drake feat. Lil Wayne - HYFR

Best female video
Nicki Minaj - Starships

Best male video
Chris Brown - Turn Up the Music

Best electronic dance music video
Calvin Harris - Feel So Close

Best video with a message
Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

Best rock video
Coldplay - Paradise

Video of the year
Rihanna - We Found Love

Best art direction
Katy Perry - Wide Awake

Best choreography
Chris Brown - Turn Up the Music

Best cinematography
M.I.A - Bad Girls

Best direction
M.I.A. - Bad Girls

Best editing
Beyonce - Countdown

Best visual effects
Skrillex - First of the Year (Equinox)