Pop culture is NO MORE today so I’m off home. As promised, here are Phil and Grant Mitchell dancing to Robert Miles’s Children overdubbed with some Glaswegian rap. Not really relevant to anything but, well, yeah. What of it.

Laters.

Before you go home why not have a look at this spanking new trailer for upcoming sci-fi timetravel action thingemebob, Predestination.

Initial thoughts:

• “Fizzle bomber” - seriously?
• Ethan’s ‘tache – seriously?
• It all looks so serious...ly...?

Next up: the next Disney film to do your head in, entitled Into The Woods. Due to be released on the day children achieve peak levels of annoyance, December 25th, the Rob Marshall-directed epic sees Meryl Street cast a curse and James Corden, Emily Blunt and Johnny Depp inevitably overact, and, well, look for yourself.

It’s late. You can’t expect more in-depth analysis at this hour.

It’s that time of the week again: it’s basically Friday, so you’re looking for something to do tonight. Assuming you’re not hunched in darkness indoors playing Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare, of course. Here are the best ways to pay £4.50 for a can of Red Stripe tonight:

London - The Knife, O2 Academy, SW9

London - MNEK, XOYO, EC2

London - Future Islands, O2 Shepherds Bush Empire, W12

Bristol - The War On Drugs, O2 Academy

Cambridge - Twin Atlantic, The Junction

Birmingham – Band Of Skulls, The Institute

Manchester – Chvrches, Manchester Academy

Manchester – Kill It Kid, The Ruby Lounge

Glasgow – White Lung, Stereo

Dublin – Anais Mitchell, Whelan’s

We like a bit of Odd Future and Earl Sweatshirt at the Guide, so the follow-up to last year’s Doris LP is proving to be a long one. To tide us over he’s released 45 – either a minute-and-a-bit snippet of one of its tracks, a whole, albeit very short of one of its tunes, or something else entirely. I don’t know. But have a listen anyway and see what you think.

Got 11 minutes and 40 seconds to spare? Then slap on your cans and give this a whirl – a dirty great brick of seedy horror psych-folk, plainly documenting a school trip gone drunkenly awry. It’s a bracing listen. None of this sort of nonsense happened on my school trip to Drax Power Station in year 7, I can resolutely tell thee.

Remember a couple of days ago? It was great wasn’t it; rolling green undulations stumbling lazily to the horizon, carefree people whistling as the gambolled along their merry way, and this came on the internet.

Well, now, it’s over.

“@andrewhall2468:@FinancialTimes What should worry you + yr pals is Russell is giving voice to what many are feeling & thinking.” PARKLIFE

— Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) November 5, 2014

Fair play Russell. Fun while it lasted. As you were.

Don’t know yer Skilliams from yer SBTVs? Not sure what any of that even means? Don’t worry about it – Dazed have published their A–Z of all thing Grime-related, so take this opportunity to be edified. Or just do what I did and scroll to the bottom to see what they put for ‘X’.

Also, this still hasn’t got old

Wait, nope, it really just did.

It’s the next film from District 9 and Elysium director Neill Blomkamp, in which Dev Patel creates a robot with feelings. Everyone’s amazed, and all involved go on to live happy and fruitful lives. PSYCHE. Of course that doesn’t happen. Chappie looks harrowing.

We cinemagoers have had to put up with a lot of our alloy-faced, binary-brained pals’ suffering over the years. Remember this from Short Circuit 2? Johnny Five screams for mercy, as whatever passes for the blood coursing through his tin heart is sprayed across the maniacal faces of his attackers.

Or this, when Arnie’s friendly metal assassin sacrifices himself for the good of humanity? The thumb. THE THUMB.

Or this moment when The Iron Giant took a missile to the face. It’s...when he closes...his eyes..

Or like that moment in July 2004 when my faithful SNES finally packed in. So, so sad.

Lorde’s vid for the Hunger Games-tied single Yellow Flicker Beat has emerged, and besides some whopping hairdos and decidedly grotty locales (dingy hotel room, bus stop, hangar, middle of a road) it shows the young singer popping and chucking out some daring, don’t-know-where-I-am-or-what’s-going-on shapes

Think she’s been watching this a bit, notepad in paw, pen poised

One of the most over-exposed songs of recent years covered by the most ubiquitous band of the moment. And yet it manages to be good? Chaos theory in practice, ladies and gents

Fitting, I think.

How to improve the John Lewis ad in 1 easy step: just swap John Lennon with The Babadook trailer! https://t.co/pDmttWuazD #montythepenguin

— Jon Harvey (@jondharvey) November 6, 2014

Eurgh. It’s time. Well, it’s only the 6th November, so it actually isn’t, but at least they had the decency to wait for Halloween and Bonfire Night to squelch out of existence before foisting their saccharine grenade of capitalist cynicism into our lives. Deep breath. Here it is:

The lowdown: the soundtrack is a collaborative effort between John Lennon (wrote it), Paul, George and Ringo (recorded it) and Tom Odell (micturated on it). It’s called Real Love and it will make you want to pull the workings of your inner ear out through your eye sockets to save you from the ordeal of ever having to see or hear anything ever again.

The premise – and let’s not forget John Lewis has weaponised the practice of making idiots cry – centres around the charming relationship between a young boy – let’s call him “Young Boy” – and his wickle pet penguin, who I’m calling “Geoff the Penguin”, or, if you’re a fan of brevity, “Geoff”.

The story is ostensibly thus: they’re bessie mates, but Geoff begins to have desires friendship simply cannot provide. Sensing Geoff’s sadness, Young Boy wakes him up on Christmas Day and presents him with a gift. It’s a girl penguin! And she and Geoff get along famously. BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY’RE BOTH STUFFED TOYS OMG IT’S SO LOVELY. But...is it..? Or is it actually incredibly creepy? It’s creepy. Oh my god it’s creepy.

They’re bessie mates. Fine. No creepiness here. Bessie mates. Geddit. Goddit.

But Geoff’s sexy thoughts begin to take over. Look at those eyes. There’s desire in those eyes.

Now, all Geoff does is perv on couples. It’s weird.

He just...stares at them.

Geoff’s sexual desires have become so overpowering that young boy is forced to employ an escort to satiate his lust. He “buys” Geoff a partner. It’s sick.

Geoff’s made up, Young Boy is appalled to be complicit in the penguin sex industry, Boy’s mum looks on aghast, aware she’s created a monster.

But it’s ok because they’re both stuffed toys, right?!

WRONG. So Young Boy – even at his tender years – fantasises his pet penguin has an irrepressible sex drive? He wills its creepy voyeurism into existence? If this is all in Young Boy’s head then he’s showing awareness of the concept of trafficking, without any appreciation of it being wrong. Not only that, he apparently deems another soul – whose raison d’être is to provide his friend “company” – an acceptable “present”. Am I the only one horrified by this?! This child is sick! Damaged. He knows too much about the dark underbelly of life and nothing of consequence, empathy or love. I for one have never seen anything so totally chilling in all my life.

I will NOT be shopping in you this Christmas, John Lewis, you disgusting fiends. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Yes you read that right. New Discovery show Eaten Alive intends to show a man in a snake bile-proof suit being swallowed whole by a snake –one which can only be described as “colossal”. Amid concerns that this amounts to animal cruelty – as far as I can see there are three ways out of that snake, and I can’t imagine the snake enjoying any of them – it’s certainly an attention-grabbing concept. Have a look for yourself and join me in thinking this man is actually an idiot:

Earlier this year we raved about webseries High Maintenance, which follows a well-meaning bud dealer called The Guy as his visits customers and peddles his wares. It’s great, funny and sweet – more Transparent than Cheech and Chong – and three new Vimeo-funded episodes will hit the streaming site on the 11th, with a further three early in’t New Year. Here’s the trailer for your perusal. Note: neither the Guide or its affiliates condone recreational drug use or any related eggy bread with cheese consumption.

Phantogram’s excellent Black Out Days from last year has been given a spangly overhaul by Brazilian production maestro Leo Justi, replete with a brilliant Danny Brown verse. It sounds pretty epic to be honest.

A video that will make you do a tense handclaw has surfaced of Brooklyn rapper Bobby Shmurda performing in the Epic Records boardroom after signing with the company. When I say performing, I mean desperately jiggling, strutting and hopping about to a backing track of his music, trying to court favour with a load of privileged dudes slobbing in their Mirra conference chairs by looking a bit daft. It is, unlike Mirra’s superb range of corporate seatery, extremely uncomfortable. Have a look.

What are those moves? He’s actually going for a bop, which is this and is cool

But is doesn’t quite work in a boardroom/backing tape context, and ends up looking like a mixture of this

This

This

And this

Go on, send us your Vines of your own awks dancing and we’ll put them up on here. IMAGINE THAT

Houseton, not Houston. Stoop, not porch. This is is good stuff – handy if you’re planning a trip to the Le Pomme Grande and would rather not sound like a stupid doltish tourist. “Eh wiseguy, mah stoop’s in fronno mah crib in Soho, jabroni”. I should never, ever go to New York.

Yes, it should be “card sharp”, but that doesn’t rhyme. Anyway, here’s the spot for the new film from Mark “Mark Wahlberg” Wahlberg, the one-man American everyman production line. It’s called The Gambler. He’s a gambler in it. He gets in trouble. He meets a girl. Can you guess what happens?

So. It looks derivative. That much we know. BUT it’s made more interesting by three important factors:

• Jessica Lange is in it, and Jessica Lange makes everything good because She Is Lange.

• Boardwalk and Wire ledge Michael K White is in it, perfectly cast as Mark Wahlberg’s right ear.

• John Goodman is in it, and his hair has run away.

Yep. That’s some pretty thorough trailer analysis there. Time for a coffee.

Let’s start with some RAAAWWWK – or, more specifically, a new tune from a band whose heyday came and went 20 years ago, which does, to its credit, manage to be slightly less rubbish that their current and vey beige single, Being Beige. It’s major key funsters Smashing Pumpkins everyone!