Release pressure

Gordon Brown

Another week, another catalogue of shameful denials from Gordon Brown. Well, shameful and denials maybe aren't the mots justes, but it's definitely Gordon Brown, and he's finally talked about Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, the Libyan convicted of the Lockerbie bombing. Megrahi was released from prison because of a decision taken by the Holyrood government, not Westminster, and without implausible Labour pressure on the SNP to do so. Moreover, his release was entirely consistent with long-standing British form on compassionate treatment of terminal cases. And wasn't part of a secret oil-for-terrorists deal struck by Tony Blair and Colonel Gaddafi.

Daddy of all spats

Levi Johnston

The father of Sarah Palin's grandson, Tripp – the one born to her 17-year-old daughter Bristol who did so much to further the Republican abstinence-is-all-the-sex-ed-you'll-ever-need cause – has at last hired a decent PR outfit and broken his silence about the Wasilla queen.

He alleges that Palin wanted Bristol to hide the pregnancy and let her adopt the baby, that the uber-mom's family rarely functioned as such and that she was resigning her governorship of Alaska because she could earn so much more on the speakers' circuit. Most damningly of all, he claimed that Palin couldn't hunt, shoot or fish, despite this being her main qualifications for standing as John McCain's running mate. Wherein lies the truth? Only a live moose-dressing competition presided over by Oprah Winfrey can tell us.

Madonna and child

Lourdes Ciccone

Ever since it was first announced that Madonna – no, not that madonna, the real Madonna – was with child, believers knew this day would come. And lo! It came to pass this week that Lourdes Ciccone, left, 12-year-old offspring of the Like A Virgin womb and her personal trainer, made her first on-screen appearance in her mother's latest music video.

The Ciccone women are clearly working some kind of brilliant chronological trade-off between them, for as 51-year-old Madonna keeps the years firmly at bay, Lourdes has evidently embraced them, looking the image of her mother during said Like a Virgin era – ie about 25. Madonna 2.0 is finally here. God 2.0 save us all.

What they said

"My mum didn't like South Wales because they were all talking Welsh."

Former blitz evacuee Betty King remembers

"I hate to see people smiling or having fun or expressing themselves in any way. You know how people on the tube stare at the floor and avoid eye contact? I think we should be like that all the time."

Little Britain star Matt Lucas. Ah, the tears – or raging sociopathy – of a clown

"People say I'm egocentric, but enough about them."

Lily Allen keeps on tweeting

"It's a piece of cake, the easiest job in the media ... And before you start with that 'Fair play old boy, there's more to it than that', I was a radio and TV newsreader and there isn't."

Sir Terry Wogan on the self-importance of the young folk doing the old news presenting these days

"While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was an extremely beautiful place and very green."

Japan's new first lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, on those dreams we sometimes get.

What we've learned

» All dogs are descended from a pack of wolves tamed 16,000 years ago on the shores of the Yangtze river

» A Worcester chef has invented a biscuit that can be dunked for six minutes without crumbling

» We spend an average of £39,480 buying rounds of drinks in a lifetime

» Girls are born with a fear of spiders

… and what we haven't

» Whether Gordon Brown will agree to a televised pre-election debate